I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
