oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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