it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
