I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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