I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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