It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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