I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
