K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just found puke in my bra..
it's great music for shaving your balls
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
