I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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