I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
