soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
