The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
