Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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