i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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