She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Will exercising make me less horny?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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