Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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