that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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