I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
pray to the hookup gods
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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