So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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