your room smells of hookers.
And success
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
