John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The air was thick with penises
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
