listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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