Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
