Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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