Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
