You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He better not be in your backpack
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
