I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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