Sry I called you an 8
Someone shit on the floor
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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