is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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