he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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