haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
