Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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