i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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