i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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