Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
