if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just gargled with NyQuil
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
