you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
