When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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