remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
