goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
