so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
