He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
