i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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