Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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