Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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