Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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