They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I checked into jail on foursquare
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
