I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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