you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
