I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I understand Curling. That high.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
