I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just want nice things and good sex
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
