I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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