I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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