having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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