Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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