The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
