she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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