Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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