then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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