My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I didn't shave. On purpose
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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