you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
