If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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