you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize