mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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